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(excerpt from Energy Enlightenment – Do you know the way home?, page 83 )

I remember a dream I had in which I was being pursued by some rather nasty individuals.  As things got more intense I called out to God and felt this wonderful warm blanket of protection wrap around me.  I actually woke up feeling at peace, and in a contented state of mind.  In another dream, I was again being pursued, and everywhere I hid, the pursuers found me.  At the very end of the dream, I was exhausted and knew this was the end.  Just as I was facing my pursuers and wondering how in the world I would get out of this one, Jesus strolled into the picture, looked at me, smiled, and said “I am how”.  I literally woke up laughing because I realized I spent a lot of time running away when there was never really anything to run from.  I don’t know much about dream interpretation, but I would venture a guess that my pursuers in both dreams were my fears.

(page 82-83)

To move out of fear-based emotions, I find it helpful to stay consciously connected with God as much as possible.  This means I am in constant dialog while driving my car, eating dinner, watching a movie, and even while dreaming.  This doesn’t mean I am in constant prayer mode.  What I mean by this is that I stay aware of the presence of God in my life.  It is sort of like a ticker tape running in the background.  I stay aware of the presence of God whether I am taking a walk, shopping for groceries, talking with a friend, or performing any other daily activity.  As an example, it is the same type of awareness I have of my heart.  I may not constantly be thinking of my heart, yet I know it is inside me providing what my body needs.

(Chapter Five – Overcoming fear through Meditation, page 73 – 78)

Fear, I believe, is one of the major stumbling blocks stopping many us from exploring our spirituality. Fear of what others might think or say can weigh heavily on us. Fear of losing friends, not being accepted or fitting in are other types of fear that can prevent us from reaching our goal of becoming spiritually aware. Our over-active Ego Consciousness is terrific at instilling fear of not being good enough, smart enough or chaste enough. The list of judgments and fears can go on and on if we don’t stop it at some point.

Fear usually isn’t something we can explain away. I remember as a little girl, swimming was one of my favorite things to do. But now, as an adult, I am so afraid of the water I actually get nauseous when out on a boat. The idea of scuba diving is petrifying to me. I cannot even begin to understand why I have this fear. I know in my heart the fear is an illusion, but my Ego Consciousness makes it feel very real. Fear is an Ego Consciousness emotion. As I stated in Chapter Two, “I have come to realize my thoughts are what I am healing and Enlightening.”  Don Miguel  Ruiz has written a beautiful poem about waking from the “drama of fear,” and I’ve included it here.

Return to Life

I waken
And nothing is the same.
For the first time,
I open my eyes,
These eyes of mine
I long believed could see
And find that all I knew as true
Was nothing but a false dream.
Then, like a radiant star
The Angel of Death
The Angel of Life became
And transformed my dream
From a drama of fear
To a joyful comedy.
So surprised, I ask the Angel,
“Am I dead?”
She replies,
“Yes, for these many years,
Though your heart beat on,
Your mind slept in the grave of illusion
Unconscious of your divinity.
“Now, with heart beating
And body breathing,
Your mind has wakened from hell.
Renewed, your eyes
Admire the beauty awaiting you.
“Your divine awareness wakens
All the love in your being.
Hating and fearing forsaken,
Gone are the guilt and the blame.
Your soul forgives,
Your divinity lives.”
My eyes, in fascination,
Stare at the Angel.
Sensing the truth waking in me.
I surrender, willingly,
Without condition.
Humbly receiving
Death and life,
To hell, I release all claim
And with new eyes,
See my eternal love…leaving.

-Beyond Fear by Mary Carroll Nelson and Don Miguel Ruiz, 1997,  page x-xi

For most of this life I knowingly refused to explore my spirituality because of the fear inside me. It was important to move past my fear, whatever it was, and explore my spirituality, but it took me a while before I was successful in determining what this unknown fear was about. And without knowing what the fear was, I couldn’t move past it.

I discovered that my fear centered around my realization that my attitudes and beliefs about God and the Universe seemed so different from those of many people I knew. Most of what I felt inside didn’t come from the books I had read, the sermons I had listened to, or classes I had taken.  It came from within me.  This caused me to feel odd about myself, and out of place. I was afraid to explore any more for fear I would continue to find myself further and further away from the mainstream way of thinking.  My need to fit in, to flow with the tide of society rules and not rock the boat was very powerful.

I remember what happened when I was studying to become a Reiki Master; many times before my next class, I would connect with Jesus through meditation or dreams, and He would teach me the concepts of healing. Our meetings would frequently take place on top of a very high mountain ledge where He would show me the vastness of the Universe and explain our connection. Many times He would tell me what I would later hear in my next class. One day I asked my Reiki Master Teacher why she thought Jesus taught me before she did. Her response was because that is where I listen best. I didn’t completely understand her response then, but I think I do now. My beliefs and attitudes about God and the Universe were coming from deep within me. When I communicated with Jesus, I listened and remembered without the Ego Consciousness being a dominate factor. When I brought my awareness back to my Ego Consciousness it was just as Don Miguel Ruiz said:

I  awaken
And nothing is the same.
For the first time,
I open my eyes,
These eyes of mine
I long believed could see
And find that all I knew as true
Was nothing but a false dream.

Learning from Jesus while in my Higher Consciousness allowed me to later, hear my teacher with the same awareness.

The fact that I am writing this book, and sharing my experiences and insights with all of you, confirms that I did indeed make the decision to move forward and explore my spirituality. Yes, I did lose some friends along the way. And not every member of my family supports me in my journey. But I realize now that that’s OK. My journey is true for me and I will continue to live my life, connect with God, and offer the shining light I’ve discovered to anyone who wishes to awaken.